Final Fantasy IX Meets Pokemon
by Haruhara Haruko
Summary: Amarant moons Kuja. Kuja gets pissed off and calls Team Rocket. Interesting crap happens. Sorta.
1. "Mmm... Mog..."

Welcome to... THE REMAKE. Yes, another remake. I hate all my old fics. Believe me, you wouldn't wanna read the grammatically challenged crap I used to write. Still, hardly anything has changed; this is still COMPLETE crap that includes profanity, nudity, and the extended use of the word 'ass'. So enjoy...  
  
And by the way, I HATE Poke`mon. It's total crap, but I'm gonna write about it anyway. If you hate it, this fic is still worth reading. And even if you like it, I hope it's worthy. If you don't know what the hell Poke`mon is, then why are you here?? LEAVE YOU IMBECILE!!!!!!  
  
There are parts in the fic where I make fun of characters. But I always do that, and I like each character. So don't go pounding me with flames on how I hate characters when I just wrote RIGHT HERE that I like all the characters!!!  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own FFIX... BUT I BEAT IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MWUAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *dies*  
  
~*~  
  
It had been a few weeks after everyone saved the world. Everyone--even Vivi- -was in Alexandria Castle, doing various strange things. They were all piled into Garnet's room.  
  
Amarant: *tries to comb hair* DAMMIT, IT'S SO TANGLY!!!! *tries to comb again, but the comb breaks* That's the 30th comb I broke this week!... *breaks into tears*  
  
Freya: Here, try... *pauses dramatically* Pantene Pro-V!!! *holds up a bottle and grins*  
  
Amarant: Hmm... *pours the contents onto his hair* It's not working.  
  
Freya: O.o  
  
Eiko is shown standing in front of a giant lump in her clothes in the corner.  
  
Eiko: *completely naked* Dammit, Mog won't come out of my clothes!!! I should have just kept Madeen... AH FUCK IT!!!!!!!!!!! MOG, IF YOU DON'T COME OUT, I'M GONNA FRY YOU AND EAT YOU JUST LIKE I ATE MORRISON!!! AND WHY DO I GIVE MY MOOGLES SUCH STUPID NAMES, DAMMIT?!?!?!? CAN'T I NAME THEM TIFA, OR SOMETHING PRETTY LIKE THAT?!?!?!?!  
  
Quina: Mmm... Mog... *eats Eiko's clothes whole*  
  
Eiko: HEY! I WAS GONNA EAT HIM!!!  
  
Vivi: Aren't I a little too young to be watching this?...  
  
Steiner: There's hair supplies and blood all over the castle...  
  
Garnet: It's getting boring now that we don't have the world to save.  
  
Zidane runs in, carrying a fish.  
  
Zidane: Okay people, I need porn!! They don't have the damn Internet on Gaia!! First person to strip down to nothing can have this fish!!!  
  
Everyone except Eiko and Garnet begin stripping.  
  
Eiko: I WIN!!!  
  
Zidane: Nope, my system isn't full of porn yet.  
  
Garnet: Why are you stripping, Steiner??  
  
Steiner: *half-naked* I like fish.  
  
Once nearly everyone is naked...  
  
Zidane: And the winner is... Quina!!!  
  
Quina, now a huge naked 'it', runs up and eats the fish.  
  
Steiner: WHY DIDN'T I WIN?!?!?!  
  
Zidane: Maybe you will next time. *grins*  
  
Garnet: It's so damn boring around here. It was so fun saving the world...  
  
Vivi: Why don't we go save it again?  
  
Garnet: There's no one to save it from.  
  
Amarant: I CAN CHANGE THAT!!! *grins*  
  
Amarant runs up to the huge window and pulls his pants down.  
  
Amarant: KISS MY ASS, KUJA!!!!!!!!  
  
Eiko: Kuja's dead...  
  
Amarant: ...Oh, shit.  
  
The police appears outside.  
  
Policeman: COME OUT WITH YOUR PANTS UP!!!!!!!! AND EVERYONE ELSE, PUT ON YER DAMN CLOTHES!!!!!!  
  
Eiko: Dammit. I thought I could get away with walking around naked for a day...  
  
Amarant walks outside.  
  
Meanwhile, on some other planet...  
  
Kuja: MWUAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Kuja's friend: Um, Kuja?  
  
Kuja: Not now, young one. I am planning destruction on the world of Gaia!!!  
  
Kuja is shown sitting in front of a laptop, playing Tomb Raider II with the nude code on.  
  
Kuja's friend: Someone on Gaia just mooned you.  
  
Kuja: Oooh!! Kuja needs more ass!!! Lemme see!!!  
  
Kuja runs up to the window just in time to see Amarant's huge ass sticking out on Gaia.  
  
Kuja: OH MY GOD, THAT'S HORRID!!!!!!!!!!! *shields eyes* We must destroy them, Kuja's friend!!!  
  
Kuja's friend: Alright. Why don't we try dialing... *pauses dramatically* THE COMPANY?  
  
Kuja: ...Huh?  
  
Kuja's friend: *sigh* I'll do it...  
  
Kuja's friend grabs a phone and dials a number. And automated voice answers.  
  
Voice: Thank you for calling Team Rocket Headquarters! Please hold while a FRIENDLY TR employee is making their way to the phone. Once you get on the phone with the FRIENDLY employee, they'll give you a menu on how you'd like your victims slaughtered; heavily, chopped, or bloody!! Meanwhile, press 1 if you want to hear funky porno music! Press 2 if you want cheesy polka! Press 3 for the Poke`mon theme song!  
  
Kuja's friend: AAAAAAAAAHH!!! ANYTHING BUT THE POKE`MON THEME SONG!!!! *presses 1*  
  
Phone: *porn music* Boom bam shika shika...  
  
A few hours later...  
  
Phone: Bwam bam shika--  
  
Voice: *on the phone* Hello, this is TR HQ. How would you like your enemies slaughtered?  
  
Kuja's friend: Is there a 'chunky' option available?  
  
Voice: Of course. My name's Jessie.  
  
Kuja's friend: Good, I'm Kuja's friend. I live on--  
  
Jessie: It's okay, I know. I'm EEEEEVIL!!!! Remember? My assistants and I are coming right now. *hangs up*  
  
Kuja's friend hands up and turns to Kuja.  
  
Kuja: Okay, now we have to find out who mooned me...  
  
Kuja's friend: Probably those dudes who saved the world...  
  
Kuja: Oh, you're right! It must have been Steiner.  
  
The doorbell rings and Kuja answers it. Jessie is standing there with a cat and a guy who both look drugged and frisky. O_o;;  
  
Jessie: I'm Jessie and that's James and Meowth. WE'RE HERE TO SLAUGHTER!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Kuja: Oh, goody. Right this way.  
  
Kuja leads TR to a window.  
  
Kuja: See that planet? *points to a microscopic dot in the sky* KILL EVERYONE ON IT!!!!  
  
Kuja's friend: NO!! Just kill these people. *holds up a photo of the FFIX team, all drunk*  
  
Kuja: But Kuja's friend, I wanted to destroy everyone!!!  
  
Kuja's friend: Ahem... Here, Jessie, clip this onto your shirt so we can see what you're doing. *hands Jessie a small camera*  
  
Jessie: Spy on us?  
  
Kuja's friend: Precise... MWUAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!  
  
Jessie: Okie-dokie!!!  
  
TR heads off to Gaia in their hot-air balloon...  
  
~*~  
  
Please review~! 


	2. "Help...suffocating..."

Welcome to Chapter 2.  
  
Disclaimer: I OWN ALL!!! MWUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!! *evil guy comes up and beats crap out of author* Heh heh... I mean... I own my ideas... *dies*  
  
~*~  
  
TR is in space, floating around in their hot-air balloon.  
  
Jessie: Why aren't we all suffocating? This is space.  
  
James: Suffocate? Okay. *begins suffocating*  
  
Meowth: O.o You know, we can just press this button to get blasted to Gaia. *presses a button*  
  
The hot-air balloon is suddenly shot to Gaia. Now back in Alexandria Castle... Everyone is still in the main room except Amarant, who's just been arrested, and Steiner, who is nowhere to be seen.  
  
Garnet: *non-enthusiastic tone of voice* Oh, this is bad. Amarant's been arrested.  
  
Eiko: But we all hate him.  
  
Garnet: ...Exactly. Let's party!!!  
  
Vivi: Can I PLEASE have more lines in this damn fic??  
  
Garnet: NO!!!! I'M GONNA HOG ALL THE LINES!!!!!!! MWUAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!  
  
Vivi: O.o Alrighty.  
  
Steiner: *runs into the room* Queen Garnet!! Some suspicious characters have been found in the castle!!  
  
Everyone looks at Quina and Eiko.  
  
Steiner: No, it was two people and an animal.  
  
Everyone looks at Garnet, Steiner, and Zidane.  
  
Steiner: No, it was two EVIL people and an EVIL animal.  
  
Everyone continues to look at Garnet, Steiner, and Zidane.  
  
Steiner: O_o Just follow me. We have them captured.  
  
Steiner leads the party into the basement, where there are a million jail cells. Weird people are in them. The group passes a guy who starts talking to them.  
  
Guy: I'm innocent!!  
  
Steiner: You know what you did. Stealing motorcycles from ShinRa, shame on you!!  
  
Guy: But it was a guy with spiky blonde hair!  
  
Steiner: *looking at the guy's spiffy red hair* You fit the description.  
  
As the group moves along, they find another guy.  
  
Guy: I DIDN'T MURDER AERIS GAINSBOROUGH!!!  
  
Steiner: Yes you did!!!  
  
Guy: That was SEPHIROTH!!! I'm SETZER!!! Tell the damn difference!!!  
  
Steiner: Sephiroth? Who the hell's that? Look, kid, you look a lot like Kuja...  
  
Guy/Setzer: AAAAAAAAAAARRRGHH!!! I'M SETZER!!!!!!!!!  
  
Everyone walks past him. Eventually, they reach a cell with TR inside.  
  
Steiner: These three flew into the garden on a hot-air balloon and blew it all up.  
  
Garnet: Whatever. Have them executed.  
  
Steiner: Isn't that a little too harsh?  
  
Garnet: Don't question me. I WANNA SEE THEM DIIIIIEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Steiner: Er, alright.  
  
Vivi: Wait, look...  
  
TR is staring at Quina.  
  
James: It's a rare Poke`mon!!!  
  
Jessie: Let's capture it!!  
  
Quina: *backs away* I no Poke`mon!!!  
  
Meowth: It talks like me...  
  
Garnet: Quina, devour them!  
  
Quina bites Jessie's hair.  
  
Quina: Tastes like @#$%!!!  
  
Eiko: So much for that idea.  
  
Garnet: Execute them!!  
  
Jessie: Wait! We were only trying to get some of your beautiful flowers!!  
  
Garnet: So you were stealing my flowers?  
  
Meowth: That's exactly correct.  
  
Garnet: Oh, I apologize. I see you're not criminals. Have some tea!!  
  
Garnet leads everyone back to the main room and serves tea.  
  
Jessie: *whispering to Meowth and James* Now let's kill them...  
  
Jessie takes a dagger hidden very cleverly in her breasts and brings it up to Garnet's back...  
  
~*~  
  
Please review. ^^ 


	3. "It was a gift!!!"

Disclaimer: I only own some cheap video games... But one day I'll TAKE OVER THE WORLD!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!! *dies, yet again O.o*  
  
~*~  
  
Zidane: *thinking* Hmm, should I tell Dagger that she's about to be murdered? Well, I never really liked her anyway. But then again, if she died, then I wouldn't have this castle to stay at. So... *screaming* DAGGER, LOOK OUT!!!!!!  
  
Garnet turns around.  
  
Garnet: Were you trying to kill me?!  
  
Jessie: Yes. Er, I mean, no.  
  
Garnet: Oh, okay.  
  
Vivi: Wait a sec... What were you doing with that dagger, then?  
  
James: Er... It's a gift for you. Thanks for the tea.  
  
Garnet: Sweet! *grabs the dagger*  
  
Meowth: *whispering to Jessie and James* We'll just kill her later, then...  
  
Meanwhile, back with Kuja and Kuja's friend.  
  
Kuja: MWUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! I've almost beaten Tomb Raider!!! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Kuja's friend: Uh, Kuja... That's Tomb Raider II...  
  
Kuja: Wha?... NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Kuja's friend: Come on, it's still fun. *glances at the laptop screen* OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!! WHY IS SHE NAKED?!?!?!?!?!?!  
  
Kuja: Heh heh. It's a little thing called a patch.  
  
Kuja's friend: *sigh* Get back to planning domination on Gaia...  
  
Kuja: Fine, fine. Let's see how TR is doing.  
  
Kuja turns off the laptop and takes out a tv. Team Rocket is shown on it, everyone drinking tea.  
  
Kuja: Wha?? Those imbeciles!! I'm not paying them to drink tea!!!  
  
Kuja's friend: You're not paying them...  
  
Kuja: Too damn bad. They still should be obeying my orders...  
  
Kuja turns off the tv and begins planning... Meanwhile, back at Alexandria Castle.  
  
Garnet: It's getting late, you three should leave.  
  
Jessie: NO.  
  
Garnet: O_o;; Steiner?  
  
Steiner: Yes, Your Majesty.  
  
Steiner drags TR outside and throws them into the garden. He goes back in.  
  
Jessie: We have to kill them...  
  
Meowth: Let's wait till midnight...  
  
Inside the castle, everyone is getting ready to sleep.  
  
Garnet: Do you think those three looked suspicious?  
  
Zidane: Nah.  
  
Vivi: Zidane's right, all they did was try to kill you.  
  
Garnet: It was a damn gift!!!  
  
Eiko: Killing you? O.o  
  
Garnet: No, the dagger!!!  
  
Zidane: *sigh* Let's just all sleep. We'll have to bail Amarant out of jail tomorrow.  
  
Everyone goes to sleep. Now, at midnight... TR is shown sneaking around the rooms. They come across Garnet's first.  
  
Jessie: *whispering* This is the Queen's. Let's go kill her!  
  
Jessie sneaks up to Garnet's bed and holds a dagger up to her throat...  
  
Garnet: *suddenly awake* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THEY'RE TRYING TO KILL ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Zidane, Vivi, Steiner, Eiko, Freya, and Quina run into the room.  
  
Zidane: Oh no!!  
  
Vivi: Oh no?! OH NO?! That's the best you can do?!?! How bout CALL THE POLICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Zidane: Yeah, that'll work.  
  
Freya: What do we need to get her back?  
  
Jessie: Uh... How bout, if you get her back, you'll let us kill you all?  
  
Zidane: *whispering* Steiner... You have to... *stops whispering* Huh? Where'd Steiner go?  
  
Steiner rushes into the room with Amarant.  
  
Steiner: I got Amarant back! He can help us!!!  
  
Garnet: But we need YOUR power, ya idiot!!!  
  
Steiner: My power?...  
  
~*~  
  
What is Steiner's incredible power? How can he save Garnet? Find out in Chapter 4. Duh. Anyway, please review. 


	4. "Use your power!"

Disclaimer: I don't own anything that I'm using illegally!!! *gets whacked with a hammer*  
  
~*~  
  
Garnet: Steiner, use the power...  
  
Zidane: Yeah, just take off your helmet!!  
  
Vivi: And your UGLINESS will scare them away!!!  
  
Steiner: Hmm... Okay.  
  
Steiner takes off his helmet, revealing a disgustingly ugly sight.  
  
Jessie: OH MY GOD!!!!!!!  
  
Meowth: RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
TR runs out of the castle, freaked out.  
  
Eiko: You saved everyone!!!  
  
Freya: Good job, Steiner!!!  
  
Amarant: Now that the problem's solved, I just wanna know... What the hell was the point of me being in this fic??  
  
Vivi: Well, you caused the problem itself.  
  
Amarant: Huh???  
  
Vivi: You mooned Kuja!!  
  
Garnet: Hmm... So Kuja must be the one who sent those three over here to kill me!!! Cause of your ugly ass!! *glares at Amarant*  
  
Amarant: *sweatdrop* Heh heh... Well, I guess the fanfic isn't over. We have to stop Kuja.  
  
Steiner: We don't even know were he is!!  
  
Quina: Hmm... Me think Kuja is on other planet...  
  
So everyone gathers around to hear Quina's genius plan. O_o That doesn't really sound right. But moving on to Kuja...  
  
Kuja: And... WOOHOO!!! I BEAT TOMB RAIDER II!!!!!!!  
  
Kuja's friend: With the nude code on.  
  
Kuja: Yep. *grins*  
  
Kuja's friend: *looks out the window* Er... Someone's mooning you again...  
  
Kuja walks up to the window.  
  
Kuja: Hmm... It says something on their butt. "Kuja, come kill us or you suck." Well, that's original.  
  
Voice: Shut up, I'm running out of ideas!!  
  
Kuja: Dumb author. *pokes ceiling with a stick*  
  
Voice/Author: What the hell?? I'm behind you.  
  
Kuja: ...Oh, okay.  
  
Author: I'll just be leaving now.  
  
Kuja's friend: O.o That was strange... Well, go kill whoever mooned you.  
  
Kuja: TR should do that.  
  
Kuja's friend: Hey... Where are they, anyway?  
  
Kuja turns on the tv. On it, TR is shown outside the castle.  
  
Jessie: I'm never going back in there...  
  
James: Yeah, they're so ugly.  
  
Meowth: Even uglier than Kuja!!  
  
Jessie: I'm not going back in there. No matter how high we get paid.  
  
Meowth: We're not getting payed, but I get the picture.  
  
James: Let's hide in case they come after us...  
  
The three run under a table that's conviniently placed in the middle of Garnet's yard.  
  
Kuja: Hey!! You should be killing the mooners!!  
  
Jessie: We can't they have the power...  
  
Meowth: The power of UGLINESS!!!  
  
Kuja: *sigh* Fine, I'll do it myself... And by the way, Meowth, I can't be uglier than Steiner!! Sure, I'm a tranvestite with only 10% of my body covered in clothes, but I just can't be uglier than Steiner!!!  
  
Kuja turns off the tv.  
  
Kuja: Well, we have to stop the mooners!!!  
  
Kuja's friend: We? I don't wanna.  
  
Kuja: Oh, come on, Ash!!  
  
Kuja's friend: Hey!! It's Kuja's friend in this fanfic!!  
  
Kuja: But you're Ash!!!  
  
Kuja's friend: *sigh* I'm Kuja's friend...  
  
Kuja: Sure, whatever, Ash.  
  
Kuja's friend: Don't call me that.  
  
Kuja: Kay, Ash.  
  
Kuja's friend: Please stop.  
  
Kuja: Sure. Whatever you say, Ash.  
  
Kuja's friend: AAAAAAAAAAAARRGH!!!!!!! OKAY, I'LL GO, DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!  
  
So Kuja and Kuja's friend head off to Gaia.  
  
~*~ 


	5. "That was pointless."

Welcome, here's Ch. 5!!  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own crap... Why are you reading this? Seriously, are you just here to read the disclaimers or something? Go read the chapter. ... ... ... Why are you still here? GO READ DAMMIT!!!!!!  
  
~*~  
  
Garnet pulls up her pants.  
  
Garnet: Why did I have to moon him?  
  
Vivi: Cause Zidane wanted to draw on your ass.  
  
Zidane: Heh heh...  
  
Eiko: Now what?  
  
Garnet: We wait for him to come...  
  
3 hours later... Everyone is going crazy again. Amarant is still working on his hair as Freya is introducing new hair products, Quina is chewing on Garnet's valuable crap, Steiner is trying to stop the chaos, Garnet is trying to get the marker off her butt, Zidane is nowhere to be seen, and Vivi is trying to see everything.  
  
Steiner: Stop the chaos!!! Kuja will be here soon!!  
  
Zidane runs into the room, clutching a fish.  
  
Zidane: Okay, I need some ass!!!  
  
Suddenly Zidane's fish turns into Mystique from X-Men.  
  
Everyone: WHAT THE HELL?!?!?!  
  
Voice: Sorry, running out of ideas again...  
  
Mystique dissapears.  
  
Zidane: Dammit!!! I wanted to see some stripping!!  
  
Steiner: Hey... I see Kuja!  
  
Steiner points to the window. Kuja is standing there, his nose against the glass. O.o  
  
Garnet: AAAAAHH!!! We have to prepare!!!  
  
Kuja: Uh, wait... I'm not supposed to be here yet, am I?  
  
Voice: No... Go back to Kuja's friend and make it over to the castle. Walk dramatically.  
  
Kuja: Okay. *runs back*  
  
Meanwhile with Kuja and Kuja's friend.  
  
Kuja: *walking dramatically* It's... The castle!!!  
  
Kuja's friend: We made it!!  
  
Kuja: Now, we barge into the castle. Use your Poke`mon to attack them!!  
  
Kuja and Kuja's friend run into the castle.  
  
Freya: NOW!!!  
  
The party starts bombarding Kuja and Kuja's friend with Poke`balls.  
  
Kuja: Help, Ash!!  
  
Kuja's friend: *takes out a Poke`ball* I choose you, KUJASAUR!!!  
  
A fat thing with tentacles and stuff emerges from the Poke`ball.  
  
Kuja's friend: Kujasaur, Fat Attack!!!  
  
The Kujasaur smothers the party with its fat.  
  
Kuja: MWUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!  
  
Freya: Mmph!!  
  
Kuja: What's that? *laughs evilly*  
  
Freya: Mmmmph!!! *spits a Poke`ball out of mouth* POKE`BALL ATTACK!!!  
  
Kuja: ...Huh??  
  
Millions of Poke`balls fly out of nowhere and into Kuja's face. Minutes later, he's completely buried in Poke`balls.  
  
Kuja's friend: I'm outta here!! *runs away*  
  
Garnet: Uh oh... I think it's time...  
  
Vivi: For what?  
  
Garnet: Er... Just run!!  
  
The party runs out of the castle. Moments later, it explodes.  
  
Garnet: MWUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!  
  
Zidane: What just happened?  
  
Garnet: Well, earlier I set up a bomb. And now Kuja's dead. MWUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!  
  
Steiner: Uh, Queen? That's your home and lots of other people's.  
  
Garnet: ...Whatever.  
  
Zidane: So... The fanfic's over?  
  
Vivi: I guess.  
  
Amarant: Well, that really sucked.  
  
Steiner: There should be a fic in which we all audition for a show called 'Alexandrian Porn Star'. Like 'American Idol', but instead of us auditioning to be singers, we're all auditioning to be porn stars... And we're in Alexandria...  
  
Author: Hmm, great idea!!! *runs off to type strange fanfics*  
  
~*~  
  
Thanks for reading, that's the fic!!! 


End file.
